The Friggin' Tulle Bride

I haven't been very prolific lately, and this is for good reason. Three, actually. Namely - moving, remodeling, and last minute wedding details. All done the week before your big day.

If any of you have friends who are attempting to pull off what we just pulled off, you need to take them by the shoulders, shake them hard, and ask them WHAT IN GOD'S HOLY NAME they are thinking. Because it is abundantly clear that they have contracted an alien virus strain called "Absolutely Fucking Crazy." You should not, under any circumstances, undertake anything more complicated than third grade math the week before your wedding. This includes installing hardwood floors.

My most important piece of advice, however, comes from my mom. A long, long time ago, she told me that I should marry a man who really loves me. Unconditionally. I listened and promptly forgot. 20 something years later, 7 days before my wedding, I would completely lose my shit under all the wedding and moving stress. He would ask me if I could let the painter in at 11am, and my reaction would be to start crying, and let fly the most psychotic accusations of all time, my all-star favorite being, "I can't stand you and I WANT TO STRANGLE YOU."

The real reason why you should marry a man who loves you unconditionally, is this: Sooner or later, Psycho-Bitch-On-Steroids will poke her head out to say hello. Your man needs to have no fear of Psycho Bitch. Your man needs to have both the love, and the balls, to push her out of the way, look you in the eye, and take you into his arms and say that he loves you.

We are 6 days to our Big, Fat Chinese-Jewish Wedding Caper. Some people have asked if I'm having cold feet. Others want to know if I'm harboring second thoughts. The answer is no, not at all. When you have experienced intimate tete-a-tetes with each other's demons, when you are this vulnerable and transparent - everything else is cake. And for those of you who are traveling from far and wide to celebrate with us - rest assured - there will be plenty of love and cake to go around on our happy day.